Heart Health

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I wrote this back in April but decided not to post it. Instead I vented on Twitter.  Since writing this, we are one surgery down with one, and a possible third, to go.  I will update soon for those that don't follow me. (Edited 6/26/2014 @ 2:20 cst).

I've spoken about E's health stuff before, not in detail but enough for you to realize it is pretty serious.  I mean, it is some really heavy stuff if I'm keepin it real.  

Do the kids still say "keepin it real"?

*shrug*

The possibility of him dying is really, real. E is not even 45 and he could die from heart disease.  Too much stress could cause a fatal heart attack; over exertion could cause a fatal heart attack; having these next two surgeries, while necessary, could put too much stress on his heart and kill him while he is laid out on the table. Do you even know how stressful that is? 

Like, there is a real possibility of me having to comfort B because her favorite guy is gone.  I am not ready for that.  We are making sure all of his shit is in order "just in case"; wills, insurance papers, military stuff, how he wants his funeral to proceed.  We are planning for his death just in case these surgeries don't take.  We have had these conversations ad nauseum, because the possibility of him dying is really real. Me having to bury him could actually happen before B graduates middle school, before we see her off to college, before he walks her down the aisle, before he bounces grand babies on his "knee of tranquility", before we have grown old together.

Cremation. Cremation is how he wants to be funeralized with only immediate family present. He said, "It would be cool to house my ashes in a gold encrusted pimp cup."  Even with all of this scary health stuff looming he still manages to be goofy and make me laugh and shake my head.

You know what pisses me off the most about this? All of this was preventable! Getting regular check-ups would have prevented all of this.  By the time he finally went to see a cardiologist his heart was barely functioning at twenty percent. Do you hear what I'm saying??  Barely. Functioning. At twenty percent. Blood pressure was sky high and he was rushed to the hospital via ambulance from the doctor's office.  Crazy right?  The doctors legit didn't understand how he was even standing. He was in the hospital for about seven days the first time.

Let me be clear, E is far from lazy. He works hard for our family. He loves and takes care of his momma.  He deals with situations and stress as a black man that I don't always understand. He loves us hard and with everything in him.  Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Look, I am not here to preach to any of y'all cause y'all grown but hear me out. If taking a 30 minute walk every day could lower your blood pressure couldn't you just make the time no matter what to walk it out? If making a for real attempt to lower your salt intake, eating more green vegetables and less fried foods could make you feel better wouldn't you give it a try?  Have a soda once a day instead of five a day; replace fries with a salad, etc. Little things really do make a huge difference.  Encourage your daddies and uncles and brothers and cousins to get regular check-ups.  Your heart will thank you, your blood pressure will thank you, your loved ones will thank you.  Just take better care of yourselves that's all. The stress from thinking about this, planning for death and the discussion you will have to have with your child is not easy.

So in the meantime while we wait for these surgeries to come to pass, we stay positive for B's sake. She doesn't know the extent of his condition. She's twelve, she doesn't need to know details. She knows that the doctors are trying to make her daddy's heart stronger.  In the meantime, I make sure I say all of the good things I've ever wanted to say to him. We are making sure he and B are making more memories.  We are going to have a photo shoot soon so we can have some real good photos of us too!  We are saying "I love you" more often and spending more time with each other.

Because the possibility of E dying is really real. He's not even 45 and I am not ready to live without him.