"Fat-minded"

The women I follow on FB are hilarious.  I mean if I need a middle of the day pick me, I can log on and get a good belly roll laugh!  Last week there was a post on Magic Johnson’s son who'd recently had weight loss surgery. One of the ladies said something like, if he remains “fat-minded” the surgery will be a waste.  After I had a sufficient laugh off of the entire thread, Hills comment about being “fat-minded” lingered.

Since March 2014, I have lost nearly fifty pounds. Most of that weight loss came from stress, when the stress was reduced I decided to try to, at least, maintain the loss.  I have dropped several dress sizes, purged my closet twice (such that I am wearing the same combination of outfits every week) and am learning to fall in love with my body all while remaining fat-minded.

When I look in the mirror I still see size 18/20 TBruce.  The TBruce who hid behind over sized clothes, who wasn’t always mindful of her appearance, who still has forty more pounds to lose.  I don’t see the “slim”, “skinny” person y’all seem to see.  I pick my body apart every time I look in the mirror: my butt needs to be firmer, my thighs are too saggy, my arms need toning, my eyes look extra baggy, do I look bobble-headish?

Also, you would think shopping would be way more fun, but it is not.  I am used to going to [insert any plus size stores name] and getting what I needed.  Even bra shopping has become cumbersome.  I automatically gravitate to what was once comfortable to me.  I have been going to my favorite thrift stores for a few staple pieces but I still have not found a go to store for new clothes yet. I am not a 2XL or even an XL any longer.  However, my mind hasn't caught up with my body yet. Plus, I am not stylish! Pinterest has been a boon for me putting outfits together.  

images pulled from Pinterest

I am also aware that I have become VERY mindful of what I eat now, almost to the point of being neurotic.  I am acutely aware of the old habits that led to my weight gain and I am afraid to fall back into those habits.  The only thing that is keeping me from going full on calorie counting Nzai is that I don’t want B to become obsessed with her body image or weight or food or anything.  She watches and learns from me. I want her to see that I am doing things the right way and not in an obsessive way, if that makes sense.

During the next six months I am going to focus on the final forty that I want to lose.  I am going to employ the services of a trainer to tone me up.  I am also going to be consciously less obsessive about food.  I don’t want food to control me this way (obsessive calorie counting) the way it controlled me the opposite way (anxiety/boredom eating).