A Re-Oiled Machine

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I have bouts of insomnia. LONG bouts of insomnia.  Someone suggested I should brain dump. Here is an excerpt from one of those dumps. I usually just write until my mind is uncluttered. No real beginning, a little sporadic and no real ending.


...over the years my drive and follow through have waned. I've let myself down more times than I'd like to remember. After each disappointment my confidence in myself slowly eroded. That drive that propelled me forward became a slow walk and the monster in my head that told me I can't, won't, or shouldn't began to have a bigger voice.

When I was in my 20s I was this well-oiled machine of quiet confidence, discipline and control. I could show you better than I could tell you and I did. For instance, when I was ready to chunk the deuces to Ohio for Texas that all happened within a ten day time span. I quit my job, packed up my apartment, and rode out.  I'm sure several people told me I shouldn't do this but I had full faith in myself and my abilities and did not entertain anyone's opinion about my life.  I. Left. When I relied on God period for direction my self- confidence was reaffirmed because I had a strong relationship with Him. I didn't care what anyone else thought about my life decisions because me and God were >>>>here<<<< and I trusted that he knew exactly what I needed.

Then some things happened in my early 30s that shook my self-confidence and made me doubt myself. The confident person that I used to be had disappeared and my life reflected that. In short, God was not the head of my life anymore. My daily study of the Bible stopped, going to church slowed down and prayer was rare. I was a mess and I felt like my faith was shattered.

But God is faithful. He is so very faithful...