Happy Monday!

Happy Monday!

Happy Monday!

Happy Monday!

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The Forty Series #7: You Mad??

• Black and white is my favorite color combination.
• I'm a mild germaphobe
• I love good books and good music.
• I can be irritatingly indecisive
• I second guess myself
• I can be moody
• Cleanliness makes me happy
• I can hold a grudge
• I can be kind of mean
• I enjoy libations now and again

I will be 40 this year and I am fully aware of who I am. I've lived with myself longer than anyone else. I know me. I own every good and ugly part of who I am; some things I'm working on others not so much. I'm not perfect by any stretch but I'm VERY aware of me.

Just because you don't understand my feelings about how you made me feel doesn't make them invalid. Just because I advocate for myself and you don't like my tone and delivery or the actual words coming out of my mouth has little to do with me. Just because you would've handled a situation differently doesn't make my way wrong. Some people don't know how to deal with you when you begin standing up for yourself or having an opinion opposite of theirs.  Those same people most certainly can't deal with being called on their BS. 

I'm finding that my for real friends, love me enough to yank my collar and vice versa.  Said yanking is not some yelling and screaming tirade either. It's "you hurt my feelings, pissed me off and this is why." Girl, we are adult women with fully realized vocabularies, we can talk!  If our friendship is based on me being a yes woman to you and only expressing my feelings when they're not about you, it's good our attempt at beginning rekindling our "friendship" is ending the way it is. My spirit is at total peace.

What I know for sure about me is that: My feelings are valid whether you accept them, believe them or understand them. I will continue to be my own person with my own feelings and experiences. I will always advocate for myself because nobody knows me like I know me.

#The40Series

The 40 Series #6: When People Show You

 

   The first person I claimed to be my BFF betrayed the heck out of me.  Like it was so bad I wanted to physically drag her down Brown Street and all up and through the University of Dayton.  To say I hated her is an understatement.  I mean we were as thick as thieves, we partied together (every Thursday - Saturday), churched together, traveled together and so on.  If you saw one of us, you saw both of us or the other was not too far.  That was my dawg!  The bouncers at the clubs we frequented had buddy nicknames for us because we were hanging so much: Ren and Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead, Laverne and Shirley...lolol.  We used to have a ball!   I was having so much fun and enjoying all of the perks her pretty brought us I ignored all of the glaring, neon signs that she was a loser.  Her dimples and charm opened many a backstage door, free concert or club entry or rounds of drinks we never had to pay for or pay for.  The attention she garnered from men always worked to my benefit and I actually met some really cool people in the process.
However, for as pretty as she was she was so sickeningly insecure.  Every chance she got she spoke ugly about women who were prettier, smarter, more established than she was.  She would get to know a person just so she could tear them down and make herself feel superior.  She was a liar, a cheat and a thief.  Hustling me is how she almost got them paws put on her...lol.  It was not funny then but now...thank God for grace! As soon as we fell out, best believe the rumors started about me. 
I also know another young lady who upon first meeting flat out told me she likes petty gossip.  Unlike my dealings with my former friend, I took her at her word.  As sure as my skin is brown, this young lady is a definite busybody thriving on the heartache, pain or sadness of others.  How terribly sad of a person do you have to be to enjoy people's pain, to relish in spreading gossip? And chile don't get me started on the older women that gossip and are catty and petty and simple.  They should be embarrassed!!  You are supposed to be the example!
That person who constantly breaks promises The one that always lies to you The coward who's constantly talking behind your back
They've shown you over and over who they are, how they operate; don't be surprised when they behave, towards you, exactly how they've always behaved!

What I know for sure about ME: when you show me who you are, I believe you the first time!

#The40Series  

The 40 Series #5: I LOVE My Family

I come from a pretty big family.  Growing up in our small Mississippi town was everything.  I loved that during most of my childhood I could walk to ALL of my grand and great grandmothers houses on any given day.  I am truly blessed that I had and have the opportunity to know my great-great grandmother AND my great-grandmother.  My maternal and paternal grandmothers are full of so much awesome.  The family picnics and holiday dinners; barbecues and late nights telling family history and just having a good ole time together!  They are everything.  

I would also be remiss to mention that all family is not blood.  My best friends are like sisters to me and I am thankful for their presence in my life.

What I know for sure about me is that despite everything, family is very important to me.

#The40Series

The Forty Series #4: Change My Attitude

I've been dealing with some power struggles lately.  Power struggles that have turned ugly from all parties involved. This morning I prayed to have my attitude change about the situation. There was a lesson, there is always a lesson, and I have been too angry and frustrated to receive whatever lesson that was being taught.   My time with my God is usually while I am driving to work.  I mean it's an hour plus drive so I have plenty of time!  As odd as it sounds, having my conversation with God, aloud, calms me and makes my prayers more real, if that makes sense.  So this morning while driving to the office my only prayer was for God to change my attitude about this power struggle, to help me learn the lesson and to protect me.   Well, halfway to work, the lesson hit me and brought me to tears.  The tears were because part of the answer was not what I wanted to hear. Stop giving away your power and this is not your end game.  The not giving away my power part has to do with me doing something I've been putting off for a while. I really don't want to do it.  Like REALLY have no desire whatsoever to do it but I know it is necessary, it has always been necessary.  I will talk about it, plan for it, buy what I need for it then proceed to talk myself out of it.  As much as I have reservations about how this is all going to work out, I trust that God has already made provisions, I just need to continue to work on my attitude. 
The end game part is the hardest for me because I have the vision but I don't know how that vision is going to come to pass.  Like, the lessons don't seem to go together but they do.  Controlling my power and whatever the end game is going to be.  While I don't see how all of this is going to work out,  I am going to trust the process, most importantly I am going to trust God.  
Another lesson that became clear was taking ownership for my part in this power struggle.  I wanted confirmation that I was right and that the situation was ALL someone else's fault. I wanted to make myself less culpable.  I couldn't; I'm as much at fault with this power struggle as the other parties involved.  I realized that while I can only control my actions and attitudes, those actions and attitudes can effect outcome. I just have to decide if the outcome is going to be positive or negative.   What I know for sure about me is that sometimes a change in attitude can change an outcome. 
#The40Series

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The 40 Series #3- I Am Not A Hair Snob

 

    In my world, for my hair...it's just hair. I've had relaxed hair, natural hair, long hair, short hair, colored hair, highlighted hair, damaged hair, healthy hair, pregnancy hair, after pregnancy hair and probably everything in between except weave...though I am toying with the idea of a sew-in. Hair for me is just like any other accessory, it changes.  

I decided to go natural this time for my daughter though. She is one of few brown girls in her school and even fewer with natural hair. While she never felt any kind of way about her hair, cause it's full of awesome, I never wanted her to begin feeling any kind of way about it. Like it isn't pretty enough or long enough or straight enough or any of those things that people will say in an attempt to shake her confidence.  

So one day before we headed out to the docks for fresh seafood and fun, we stopped by my BIL's barbershop.  He hooked me right on up.  B thought I was gutsy for doing it and kept telling me how pretty I looked. #GeniusKid

  When I got that cut folks constantly asked me "What did E think" or "How did E feel about it." I said some variation of "what should he feel about it? It's my hair!"  I would NEVER be with a man that felt some kind of way about how I wear my hair.  It is my hair. Period. He loved it by the way as he does any hairstyle I've had since we've been together.  He simply doesn't care. He doesn't love me based on how my hair looks!  

What I know for sure about me: It's. Just. MY. Hair. and it grows back!
#The40Series  

The Forty Series #2: Intimacy in My Relationships

This year is a milestone birthday for me.  I thought it would be cool to create a list of things that I know for sure about myself.  Read the first entry here.

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I love love. Falling in love, being in love, maintaining love, watching other people fall in love, hearing and seeing love in action.  I love all of that.

TO ME, love is an action word.  Love actions are often intimate, thoughtful things.  Those things that nobody catches but you. I crave that.  Being held, being kissed, being thought of, being taken care of…I need that.

Typically E is gone to work before we get up. He always kisses me and whispers that he loves me before he leaves.  He will also brew coffee for me and places my ‘Good Morning Gorgeous’ mug next to the pot.  He will often leave a note for B encouraging her to have a good day and to remind her that she is loved. TO ME that is intimate and thoughtful and makes me smile all day! 

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I also need intimacy in my friendships.  The friends (not associates or acquaintances) that I have I feel absolutely confident that there is nothing I can share with them that would make them not be my friend.  My dreams and disappointments, my fears and failures, they all know them and love me and encourage me anyway.  I can cry to them and not be ashamed or embarrassed or laughed at or left to felt ‘any kind of way’.

I also give as good as I get.  My stance is you will have plenty of people being ugly to you, discouraging you, making you feel like sh!t; I’m just not going to be one of those people. If you want to climb Mt Everest nobody is going to cheer for you as loud as me or encourage you as often as me.  I need to be able to listen to people and encourage them on their journey. I realize that sometimes that is all people need is someone to listen to!

What I know for sure about me is that I need intimacy in my relationships.

#The40Series

The 40 Series #1: What I Know For Sure...About Me

This is a milestone birth year for me.  In December I will turn 40.  The halfway mark. The middle of the road of life.  It is exactly six months until I turn the big 4-0!

I've been mulling over doing this series for weeks.  I was going to do it during the forty days leading up to my big day but I fear I'd forget all of the profound stuff I want to say. Besides, there is something else I'm thinking about doing during those forty days.

Now, there won't be anything earth shattering it will simply be my truths, lessons I've learned, things I like, people I love, things I know for sure about me.

#The40Series